Numb
by DarkAlliGator
Summary: Songfic Numb by Linkin Park. Basically, why A committed suicide.


That's it. I've had enough. I can't take it anymore. L and B are always ahead of me and I'm tired of always being the idiot lagging behind. They want me to exceed L, but how can I do that when I can't even get full marks in a test? I'm sick of being the stupid one, the one that doesn't understand anything. I'm stupid. I must be. That must be the reason why I can't do what you want. I can't be the genius you want me to be. I'm sorry, but it's true. I just can't do it.

_I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface_

They think I'm a genius, but I'm not achieving what a "genius" should be. So naturally they think I'm not trying, but I _am_! I try as hard as I can. But I know that whatever I do I will never be able to walk in L's shoes. Never be able to live up to that expectation. I'm giving all I've got and it's just not good enough. It's never good enough. I guess _I'm_ just not good enough. I will never be good enough.

_  
I don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes_

Can I do_ anything right? _Or am I just one big failure to you? I know what you want, and I can't do it. B has achieved it. He is as intelligent as L, so therefore he is equal to L. I'm just not as intelligent as them, so therefore in your eyes I am inferior. Not worth the effort.

_  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you_

Whoever knew that depression could physically hurt? I've had it all, ulcers, chest pains, headaches, stomach aches. But recently, the pain has stopped. I'm not feeling anything. I've just become numb. In fact, I kind of miss the pain. It was one of the only things reminding me that I'm still alive and I haven't died and gone to hell. But now it's gone, and I can't feel anything. Nothing at all.

_  
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there  
Become so tired, so much more aware_

They're trying to turn me into a clone of L. But I don't want to be L. I just want to be myself. B is turning into L, you can see it. The same hair, the same tastes in food. He's even started sitting like L. But at least his eyes are his own. His creepy, blood red eyes. B is my friend, but I still find his eyes creepy. And his odd habit of staring at a space just above your head...

I don't want to end up like L. I have nothing against him, it's just that I just want to be myself. Nobody else. Unfortunately it seems like "myself" isn't good enough.

_  
I'm becoming this, all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you_

Can't they see what they're doing to me? Why can't they just let me go? I've tried to explain, but they give me antidepressants and make me talk to a shrink. They just can't see how I really feel. They really don't know.

_  
Can't you see that you're smothering me?  
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?_

One thing they _can _see though, is that I'm not doing well enough. In anything. And I can see that they're disappointed. They wanted me to be a genius detective. Instead, I'm turning into a stupid, depressed nobody.

_  
Cause everything that you thought I would be  
Has fallen apart right in front of you._

_Every step that I take is another mistake to you_

I can't take this anymore. I just can't take it. I'm wasting my time here. I will never be as good as B or L. I'm tired of this place. I'm tired of wasting my time. So why am I still here?

_  
And every second I waste is more than I can take  
I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware_

How can I be myself when myself isn't good enough? I don't want to turn into L, but it seems that that's the only way I can succeed. Who am I kidding? Even if I do turn into another version of L, I still won't be able to reach that level of intelligence.

_  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you_

L, B... have you ever felt like this? That people expected too much of you? That you couldn't cope? If you did, you're stronger than me because in my mind there's only one thing that I can do. And both of you are still here.

_  
And I know I may end up failing too  
But I know you were just like me  
With someone disappointed in you_

I hope you'll be alright, B. I know you can achieve what they want you to. It's just that I can't. I'm sorry that I'm about to leave you alone in this world. But I've made my decision. I can't keep living like this. L... I have no feelings about you either way. Just please make sure B is alright after... after I die.

_  
I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you_

A small noise makes me turn around. B is standing there, right behind me, eyes fixed on that space above my head he loves to watch so intently. Tears are rolling down his face. How long has he been standing there for? How could I have not noticed him? And... why is he crying?

_  
I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be_

He looks down, staring into my eyes. His gaze makes me uncomfortable. A small, sad smile appears on his lips and he turns around and begins to walk away. It's almost as if he knows what I'm going to do... After a few metres, he stops and turns to face me again, before saying two words, choked by tears.

"Goodbye, A."


End file.
